it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
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we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
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Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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