Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
