dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
