She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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