Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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