you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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