Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
