I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
