Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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