it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
