Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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