fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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