sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
