I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
