I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
