Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
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But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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