Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
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Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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