I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
