do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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