I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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