apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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