This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
