Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
