My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
