I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
