I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
