Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
