I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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