Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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