The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
