Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
