There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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