My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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