yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
