Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
