Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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