She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
