Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Green mimosas i think yes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
