sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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