I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
