Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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