What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
