Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
