I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Be still, my beating vagina.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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