I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
