i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
