If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
