Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
