To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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