I hate your face
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
