Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
