kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
