some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
