He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
