There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
