All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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