new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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