I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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