Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
